After going through the process I detailed in my first two posts of this series (first & second), I still felt like C-Sections were necessary evils. I was mostly telling myself I would be accepting of a Cesarean, but I was doing everything possible to go into labor and have a vaginal delivery. Who wouldn’t, right?
The bad thing was that I was stressing myself out, and obsessing over having an unmedicated, all-natural birth. I kept assuring myself and others that “…if it was the Lord’s will for this baby to come via C-Section, I would accept His will,” but on the inside I was still a little terrified of having another C-Section, and was doing everything in my power to prevent it from happening.
At the time, the song of the Cesarean was one of pain, misery, and failure. I was grateful for them (at least we didn’t DIE, right?), but I did not see them as *birthing* at all. They were *surgeries*. I would not want my baby’s first moments to be associated with my abdomen being ripped apart. Plus, if I had a C-Section this time, I would have to have them all the time (most likely). So this was the make-it or break-it birth.
Then I saw this face.
Do you see that peace? Do you see that serenity? Do you think that baby thinks he has been denied some privilege that he will never get to cherish? NO. He is emerging from his mothers womb, resting his little head on his lovely, strong, and wonderful mother, and he is entering it at peace. At least, with as much peace as any other baby who comes into this world!
I saw that photo and it pierced my heart. I felt deep down God confirm to me that Cesarean Sections were births. That He would accept me, and that He did think I was an acceptable mother. He told me that mortal bodies are imperfect, and that some women require more assistance than others during this miraculous time. I needed to humble myself, and accept the services that were so easily and readily available to me.
If you don’t get anything else from my blog, I want you to come away knowing that all births are beautiful. If you ended up getting the epidural, if you decided to use some analgesics, if you tore, if you got the wrong midwife, if it ended in a C-Section, or if any other number of things crept up during your pregnancy, labor, or delivery, just know that you did your best, your body did its best, and your baby tried its hardest. If one of those things doesn’t match up with something else, then you may need a little bit of guidance or assistance, and that is okay. You are not a failure.
Just think, some women do drugs, drink alcohol, have never exercised a day in their life, eat crap, and didn’t even want the baby. But they delivered through their vaginas. Some women are terrified of labor and birth, cringe and tighten their muscles the entire time, scream and yell at the nurses, doctors, and their husbands, and somehow, contrary to what HypnoBirthing would have you believe, they deliver through their freaking vaginas. So I don’t think relaxing, thinking positive thoughts, and taking excellent care of your body are the only things affecting birth. A lot of it is also YOUR physiology, biology, and genes, your BABY’s physiology, biology, genes, and just sheer LUCK/fate/God’s will/what have you. Hypnobirthing, health, position, provider, etc are very important, and drastically affect the length, pleasantness, and your ability to cope with labor and delivery, but if something is wrong, something is wrong and it’s not your fault. I cannot speak for mother’s who have lost babies during birth, but the same arguments apply. Know that you are thought of, prayed for, and loved.
If you did the very best you could to take care of yourself and prepare for birth then that’s it. You can’t change what your caregivers did, you can’t change what you did not know, and you can’t go back in time and change your- nor your baby’s- anatomy. So relax. Allow yourself to release and let go. All you can do is educate yourself and arm yourself better for next time, but then if next time doesn’t work out, cut yourself some slack, enjoy the little blessings you do have, and know that how you birthed does not affect your capacity as a mother. All births are beautiful, vaginal, surgical, or otherwise. Fear not.
Keep on rocking it, Mama.
P.S. Coming up is a post about my second C-Section. Hopefully this 3 part series helped you understand how I was at peace with making that decision. Also soon I will discuss Stitches vs Staples. Subscribe below to be notified as soon as they are up!
Back to the first post:
Back to the second post: