My son wailed in the heated bassinet a few steps away, and the nurses were running around trying to find a heated blanket so they could lay him on my chest. I felt like an incubator that was no longer useful. I did not feel like a mother. This was not how motherhood should have begun. Not with a C-Section.
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*Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, so please consult your physician before attempting any of these suggestions. Use your best judgment. What worked for me may not work for you. Each body is different and unique. Do what you feel is best at your own risk. I am not liable for any consequences. I am a blogger. This is a blog meant to provide opinions, suggestions, experiences, and information. Not medical advice. I am human and make mistakes, so information may not be 100% complete or accurate. Thank you, and enjoy!*
A rush of “feel-good” hormones should have replaced my exhaustion. Endorphins were supposed to make me forget any pain as I caught my newly birthed child. I was planning on instantly bringing him up to my chest to begin breastfeeding. The moment was supposed to be filled with indescribable joy as I met eyes with my husband, in exhausted triumph. I was supposed to feel satisfaction because I had performed my part in the circle of life and single-handedly brought my baby into the world.
But there I lay. Crushed.
I tried to muster some happiness while I finally held my son and tried to go on with being a mother, but I was drained. The thought of going home was terrifying. How would I take care of an infant while simultaneously recovering from a massive surgery? I did not know the first thing about C-Section recovery. I felt like I was in a fog.
How would I survive without the hospital bed that sat me up? Who would wake me up in the middle of the night to give me my medication? I had doubted the effectiveness of pain meds until a nurse forgot to give me a dose, and I became incapable of getting out of bed. Home had no nursery I could send my baby to while my husband helped me shower. Simple things like bending down or washing my knees were tasks I no longer had the privilege of performing. Did I even want to get out of bed? I would only be a stooped over, shuffling, pain filled mess.
After my first was born, months passed before I made it a week without crying into my husband’s shoulder. I analyzed every single thing that happened and contemplated every little thing I could have done differently. (I should not have done yoga, but should have let my body rest. Maybe I should have tried different yoga flows. Should I have caved and chosen the epidural? Maybe more analgesics would have helped. What if that triage nurse hadn’t been so absolutely rude? I would have been in a better mindset. Maybe I should have drunken castor oil at 40 weeks so he would not have grown so big… the list went on and on.)
Click to learn how to massage your C-Section Scar
You are not alone
Recovering from an unplanned C-Section (or any C-Section) takes a lot of time. Crunchy mamas sometimes have blinders that make them ignore the possibility of complications during birth. We only allow ourselves to see the beautiful, perfect end-goal of an orgasmic vaginal delivery before holding Baby to the breast with the umbilical cord still attached. I know I did, and the feeling of failure that comes afterwards is a big reason why I started my blog. I want crunchy mothers who had similar birth experiences to know they are not alone. And they are absolutely not failures.
Moving Past the Heartbreak
While preparing for my second, I realized that I did not want to feel sadness surrounding the birth of my children. I realized that I did not need to have the comparably blissful vaginal birth everyone else was seemingly having. A perfect birth was possible, even if it was a surgical one. I could look back on my son’s birth without sadness. It took a lot of work, healing, and time, but it is very possible to have a positive view of what was once a dark day.
That’s all for now. I will post all about my journey finding joy beyond the pain during my C-Section recovery, next week. It had a lot to do with this breathtaking photo taken by the talented Belle Verdiglione from Western Australia: (Yes, I have emailed her, and received permission to use her image! *joyful squeal*)
See, Cesareans CAN be beautiful.
Do you have any questions? What do you want to know about C-Sections and C-Section recovery? Leave me a comment below, and don’t forget to subscribe to my newsletter!
